…more simple than we make it.
Lately, people have said “You have a lot of guts” and “You are so smart” and “It seems like things are working out for you.”
Now, pause with me for a second.
Let me fill you in on why I have guts. My guts aren’t really mine. They’re Jesus guts. The kind of guts that I have been afraid of and haven’t wanted before. So, honestly, at some points it can look like I’m not doing okay even with these guts. I’m human. We get to choose when we want Jesus, although he always wants us. It has looked like I’ve been wore out or hated something or just didn’t want to be somewhere. At times, THAT has been so true. But, not always.
The amount of change that has happened within my life recently and continues to unfold has been just flat-out crazy. I also should say that God has been the only consistent one. Just a bunch of repetitive and bipolar bull has been happening with my parents, their house, their jobs, the arguments between them, the threats, the poor leadership, the ignorance, etc. And my brother… Who is he anymore… But, you know what? None of it is my problem. Nobody else’s problems are mine. I have problems, but they are nobody else’s. I think I wrote that out as a reminder. Even without going into the specifics. It’s been hard to wrap myself around that concept and truth.
I live with three people who have problems and whose lives are messy. But, not for much longer.
Soon, I’ll just be living with one person whose life is also probably messy and has her own problems. I cannot tell you how much I have been looking forward to moving out since I was 14 though. I have desired independance for both right and wrong reasons since. But, that was also the age where I started to realize things and form my opinions that have been disagreed with or undermined and distorted; just like everyone else. I made my decision for Jesus at 14. He continues to change me. And today, I don’t know where I would be if Jesus didn’t start. I’m glad that I don’t ever have to find out, either.
I just want to serve. The world continues to tell people like my parents, my brother, and myself that “success” comes from exalting ourselves… Which is where most of these freaking issues and problems come from.
But, I just want to serve. I’ve tried exalting myself and it doesn’t work… Please let me remind you that it’s different for a person who has the Holy Spirit. It’s different for a person who wants to follow Jesus. Ignorance plays a huge role in self-exaltation.
For example, my parents didn’t know slavery still existed when I talked with them about it the other day. My parents “go to a building” and listen to lessons. My dad is obsessive about work and my mom does what she can. They’re comfortable with where they are. It hurts and it hurts like hell. It hurts because I love them. But it’s also hard not to want or be jealous of people who have great christian parents or even those who have taken them on mission trips or serve with them or even were the ones who told the kids about Jesus… It’s weird sometimes.
Sometimes people look like they have it altogether. But you just never know what happens within the walls of a house or with the people. Just like we can never know what goes on in the hearts of people. I hope and pray a lot that something different would happen within this household I happen to be a part of. And half of this stuff that I’ve ranted on about probably hasn’t made sense… I just wanted to write